Fatwa Issued on Chinese Blogger Xu Lai

Blogging is dangerous. 

As Mark Twain so succinctly put it:  “…a man’s first duty is to his own conscience and honor; the party and country come second to that, and never first.”
- Mark Twain, a Biography

Unfortunately, a brave and clever blogger (no, not Chronic Jimmy!) was stabbed while in the restroom of a Beijing bookstore.  He had just got finished giving a reading.  So, is the knife mightier than the keyboard?  Well, Chronic Jimmy had never heard of this guy before, but now yours truly is outraged.  Truly.  Let’s face it, totalitarian ass-wipes are a danger to clever folks all over the world!  You’ve got your Taliban types who like to chop off heads.  And you got your Communist-Maoist murder mongers who don’t like to see their names in print.  Kinda like the mob, ya know what ChronicJ means?  And then of course those stupid drug gangs in Mexico who are going to have the entire population of the boarder towns flee north even if they never did have any notion to migrate; that is, once those narcomeisters execute every journalist who dares condemn their mean and nasty behavior.

What’s a civilized wordsmith to do?  Well, if there is any absinthe handy, he or she may want to down a few shots.

Or, stop going to bookstores.  Thugs hang out there!

Or, change subject matter and stick to stories about Paris Hilton doing the Eiffel Tower.  There are about 10,000 such bloggers glutting the world wide web right now.  It would be hard for Paris to send Nicole Ritchie after every one of them, wouldn’t it?

 

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29224105/

At the Airport on Friday the 13th

Columbus, OH – Patty DuCake had a plane to catch today.  Not being particularly superstitious, she was hardly aware that it was Friday the 13th.  Sitting in an airport bar, sipping a mojito at 7 a.m., she was thinking about the brave women of the Consortium of Pub-Going, Loose, & Forward Women and their planned celebration of Valentine’s Day, when all hell broke loose around her. 

“Excuse me, ma’am, but are you flying today?”  A microphone is thrust in her face.

“Who wants to know?” she responds, in an obviously irritated manner.

“The people of Central Ohio.”

“Why the hell would they give a rat’s ass about my travel plans?”  Patty looks at the guy’s logo.  10tv. 

“Ma’am, there has just been an airplane crash in upstate New York, and today is Friday the 13th.  I just wanted to get your thoughts on flying today.  You are flying today, aren’t you?”  He is wearing a ball cap, and a blue jacket indoors.  About 50, and big as an ox.

Patty orders another drink.  “You are a disgrace to your profession.”  She watches as the camera is turned off.

“OK, bitch, so you don’t want to play ball.  This is big news.”  He’s in Patty’s face.

“So you are going around scaring the crap out of people as they get ready to board airplanes.  Even Jerry Springer has more journalistic integrity than you.”  Patty lifts up her drink and wishes her mentor a happy birthday.

Big guy turns around to leave.  “I don’t know where you are headed, lady, but I hope you never make it.”

“Same to you, dick head.”

Editor’s Note:  seriously, would you walk into an airport early in the morning to give travelers the grisly news of this plane crash?  Why??????

http://www.10tv.com/live/content/nationalnews/stories/2009/02/13/planecrash.html?sid=102

Rugby, Romance, and the Queen City

ChronicJimmy has a reading recommendation for you.  If you are ever trapped on an ice floe during warming weather with a bunch of other people and you are just sitting around waiting to be rescued while you are fishing for walleye, ChronicJ has the book for you!

That’s right, this blog will be bringing you the latest literary sensation in serialized form!  This story has everything – Westsiders, Welshmen, baby-doll cultists, on-line dating gone horribly wrong, and Guinness.  So please stay tuned to this frequency of your broadband dial.  You won’t be disappointed!

Bargains Abound on the Internet

Well, we know the economy sucks.  Fortunately, bargains abound on popular internet trading/selling sites such as CraigsList, Ebay, and FreeCycle.  Other’s desperation makes good deals easy to find for the savvy shopper who’s just been downsized and doesn’t know what to do with all that unemployment cash.  Take a look at just some of the exciting items ChronicJimmy has come across in just the past few days.

Items recently posted on FreeCycle

Bag of pens and pencils.  Some chewed.  Some in need of erasers or ink.  Pick up only. 

Half box of cereal.  Husband doesn’t like cinnamon.  Must get rid of immediately. 

Industrial- size bottle of bleach.  Also 6 issues of Newsweek 1998 and three years of Mother Earth News, 1988, 1996, and most of 2003.  Two baby blankets, crocheted.  Couch, some urine stains on flip side of cushion.

Post-it Notes, almost one full pack.  3 packages of staples for standard-size stapler.  Two used hair nets.  Thanks and God bless!

Items On Auction with Ebay

LOOK.  WOW.  Michael Phelp’s bong.  Barely used.  Authenticity guaranteed.  Starting bid $10.  Free shipping.

Full-size SUV.  Catalytic converter included.  Will throw in Labrador Retriever.  Starting bid $250.

One snowmobile and two ATV’s.  Pick-up on-site only – Lake Erie.  Must bring boat.  All three items for $2000.

Up for auction is one McMansion with fries.  Suburban Dayton area.  This is a beauty, with authentic laminate flooring and two actual trees in the back yard.  Over 600 strip-malls within a ten-mile radius.  Live the life you’ve always dreamed of!  Winner can subdivide into individual rental units as local commissioners who control zoning are easily bribed w/sex &/or drugs.  Opening bid $8,290.00 and three cans of Pringles.

George and Michael Light One Up

Goodness!  There sure has been a lot of pot smoking going on lately!  The half-brother of OFBP got tossed in jail in Kenya for packing weed, and the Heroic Michael Phelps (All Honor and Glory to His Name) hit on a bong with some college kids in South Carolina.  (Or were they barge workers? ChronicJ can’t remember.)  Mercy!

Well, Chronic Jimmy must ask you, “Are you either shocked, or appalled?”

Because, like, swimming is cool and stuff but seeing a picture of a super-swimmer with a gold medal hitting on a bong isn’t going to make this blogger engage in immoral activity.  At least not at this moment.  Maybe later tonight, we’ll see.

I mean, are you, my most intelligent reader, so easily swayed from the path of virtue?  If you saw Jessica Simpson eating a cheeseburger, would you feel compelled to go out and get a Whopper?  Well, what if you had just smoked a joint, what about then?

Anyway, perhaps these two scofflaws could commit to doing charity work together.  Hemp growers are always looking for new spokespeople to tout their righteous cause.  Dude.

Treating Employees Like Children Causes Them to Wet the Bed

Chronic Jimmy has seen it all.  A dear lady who once worked with ChronicJ called him in tears one day.  This woman had worked as a temporary for well over six months, and did everything she possibly could to please her employer.  Finally she was brought on board fulltime with benefits.  She was so pleased!  Then the nightmare began. 

No talking to your neighbors.  No trips to the breakroom for coffee.  Be at your desk and working when your shift starts. 

Hmmm, reminds ChronicJ of kindergarten and first grade.  He suffered through two mean elderly lady teachers right at the outset of his educational career and never really recovered.  There was no joy in learning, only fear of breaking the rules and getting into trouble. 

So this is how things are at the place where ChronicJ’s friend used to work.  Treated like a child, she came to hate her place of employment whereas she had previously been very happy there.  Fortunately, she was able to get out of that place and is now working quite happily at a very successful company that values her work ethic and her sweet and helpful personality.  Meanwhile, there has been one disaster after another at her former company, and many of her former taskmasters in management there have been demoted (after their best employees quit and went elsewhere.)

Why does management behave in such a way?  Is it panic?  Micro-management of competent adults is always a mistake. 

Take, for example, ChronicJ’s current employer.  Please.  Here is the announcement made at the last meeting with the immediate supervisor:

“From now on you will not answer any questions from people who come in the door.”

Let’s examine this proclamation from the standpoint of a rational human being.  Forbidding the person who sits at the front desk to answer questions from visitors is not sensible and it does not promote efficiency. 

Suspecting the foolish reasoning behind this statement, ChronicJ starts to respond.

“And I didn’t ask for any feedback from you.  This is not for you to question.”

OOOOOOOOH.  The micromanager rears its ugly head.  (This is the same guy who threw a fit because he didn’t like the decorations on the Christmas tree.  And who was pissed off because “the receptionist” handled the situation regarding the supposedly broken water cooler.)

Point is, it is forbidden for one to think.  Robbed of all sense of initiative, and prohibited from being pro-active, the employee spends all of his time writing blog entries rather than doing productive activities on behalf of his employer. 

It is a sad situation, but all too typical of an insecure boss.  (And never go to Happy Hour with this guy. )

Irreconciliable Sameness Causes Couple to Split

Boston, Massachusetts- In yet another victory in the Right Not to Be Married to You movement, Julie and Hillary Goodridge have filed for divorce in Suffolk Probate and Family Court.

When asked why they wanted to back out of their ground-breaking same-sex marriage of five years, both Julie and Hillary cited the following:

“She’s such a bitch!”

Patty DuCake’s Paycheck Recalled

Impoverishment, OH – Despite the spectre of Geoff Wyass’ spectre being unscrewed upon the opening of the lid of a Vlassic pickle jar, award-winning reporter Patty DuCake has had her paycheck recalled due to a salmonella scare.

That’s right, this reporter makes peanuts!  There will indeed be HELL TO PAY, you can take that to the bank you parsimonious sap-sucker of an editor! 

Please stay tuned for further developments…

Browns Beat Steelers in Superbowl

 

Ha ha ha ha ha.  Just wanted to make sure you’re paying attention.

There Sure are a lot of Mean People on the Web!

OK, call ChronicJimmy naive, perhaps, but while scrolling around the Akron Beacon Journal’s website and reading about the inauguration, he’s discovered that a lot of sick Archie-Bunker types still abound in this country.  Take a break, idiots!

ChronicJ likes to poke fun at people and politics, but when something amazing such as the inauguration of Our First Black President (OFBP) occurs, well, he can’t help but get choked up about it, just as he’s sure Hillary Clinton does! 

Anywho, there are some readers who have attacked a lady just because she went to the inauguration and was featured in an article in her hometown newspaper.  There are people who have picked apart her past and want to destroy her.  Just because she went to the inauguration and she is black.

Is there anyway we can let these nasty racists know that they should go back into their caves and twiddle with themselves, rather than try to put words together and read a newspaper? 

http://www.ohio.com/news/37986484.html  Read this and weep.  Ms. Stephanie Warsmith, nice article!  Morons who respond with hatred and cruelty – shame on you!