“We must respect culture that has lasted a thousand years,” shrieked Juanita Smuckeshnott, just as five well-aimed missiles caused her eyes to pop out of her head.  Her lover, Misty Noseitall, cried out against the Tea Party as her own noggin split perfectly in two, just like a walnut.

“The stone is an ancient tool, perfectly formed and the most democratic of weapons.” Ironically, these words were spoken on an NPR report a mere 30 minutes before Professor Robert Salinsburger, the expert commentator,  got it right between the eyes. 

At the United Nations, those who lobbied for Iran to join its Commission on the Status of Women were engulfed by a storm of swirling little pebbles that clogged their noses, slashed their ears, and made mush of what little brains they had to begin with.

“Allah is most wise,” said Imam El Smashface to anyone who would listen. “The decadent infidels have been used by the Most Merciful One, and are now being destroyed.  Not to worry; there are always more to take their place.”  Whistling at his 6 wives to stand up and follow, Mr. El Smashface had a look of grim satisfaction as he left a busy tea-house in a trendy part of Tehran. “Forget the whole nuclear weapon thing, Mr. Obama. Your people have nothing to fear but themselves.”

CC:  My countrymen welcome you, Mr. Beck.  Please, enjoy a cup of our fine Venezuelan coffee. It kicks Columbian ass!  (Mugs for the camera.)

GB:  I love America!  (Starts to cry.)

CC:  America? America is not just your imperialist bastion of capitalist absurdity, Mr. Beck.  Geographically, America embraces many oppressed nations throughout the Western hemisphere.  Have you ever troubled yourself to look at a map?

GB:  My children, my family have been threatened by leftists.  (Starts to cry.) My wife cannot even go to Target without looking behind her back!

CC:  Leftists? Like this Obama character? Ho ho ho!  Ha ha ha!

GB:  You have led your country into ruin, Mr. Chavez!  Brave United Statesians will not allow you to have your way with the Hollywood elite.  Patriots have spoken!

CC:   The people have spoken!  (Slams his fist on the table.)

GB:  (Starts to cry) You have spilled my coffee, you two-bit commie Castro-wannabe!  God will not forgive you!

CC:  I play baseball better than Fidel ever did!

GB:  Baseball is America’s past-time.  The only America that counts!  The one with patriots and tea parties and Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton!

CC:  Those women are vapid capitalist sluts! But somewhat hot, in a blonde imperialist sort of way!  (He looks lewdly at the camera.)

GB:  I have sacrificed everything for the country that I love.  And they are ruining it!  I can’t believe I gave up cocaine and now I only have God by my side as the liberal left takes away all of my rights and deprives America of all that has made her great.  (He starts bawling, and then pulls out a never ending, multi-colored handkerchief.)

CC:  Ha ha!  Bozo!  Ho ho!

GB:  Shut up!  Sarah, where are you?  The dictator is picking on me!

CC:  Sarah?  You are friends with the soccer mom who carries big gun into the forest?  (Despite himself, Chavez is getting a hard on.)

GB:  You bet I am!  And she can kick your big fat stupid South American ass!

CC:  Yes, she can, anytime she want to!  I’ll teach her a lesson in oppression and liberation that she’ll never forget!  (Chavez makes a goofy face at the camera.)

Editor’s note :  this goes on for three days, with breaks for whole suckling pig and apple pie.

“It’s time followers of Christ take back this country.  Burning non-Christian literature, CD’s, DVD’s, and video games is a good first step.  Why should Islam have all the fun?” Pastor Larry Buford Snotweister, just back from a fact-finding tour of Iran, explained his church’s motives to Patty DuCake while stocking up on thrift-store copies of the targeted book.

“We’re not made of money. It took me a while, but I found 36 copies of that so-called ‘classic’ and didn’t spend more than 50 cents on any one of them.”

Several ladies were gathering kindling on the edges of the non-descript sanctuary’s parking lot, careful not to put too much poison ivy vine into the pile.

“We believe in the word of our Lord, and in the wisdom of Brother Snotweister,” declared Sister Lizbeth, wearing a calico skirt and a long braid.  “Some day the Godly will reign again in this nation.”

“Hallelujiah!” exlaimed Pastor Snotwiester.  “I’ve seen the power of faith in places such as Iran, where adulterers are smited with stones, and in Saudi Arabia, where no God-fearing man ever need worry about crazy women drivers.”

“Do you think Christianity can ever command such hegemony over a western nation again?”

“Viper! Now I understand way those Talibaners and Al-Shababers and Madrassers spend so much time keepin’ you uppity females down.  Your lips should be praising the Lord or kissing your husband’s ass, and in this way you will keep our community blameless in the eyes of God.”

Luckily Patty DuCake has a thick skin, and is too self-absorbed to listen to a fundamentalist blowhard very carefully.

“But what will burning Dr. Seuss’ ouevre accomplish?”

“Mr. Seuss is a product of 1960′s promiscuity.  In this book the children are not taught to obey their parents, but instead are encouraged to wreak havoc on the sanctity of their home.”

“Are you afraid of the backlash from the kindergarten teachers, who have already issued a memo against you and your congregation?”

“The righteous must fear not the wrath of the unrighteous.  Methodists read Dr. Seuss. Pentacostalists have little to fear from these middle-class anti-christs, trying to right the wrongs done against their homosexual children and appointing females to lead their pansied flock.  You do not see such blasphemy occuring among the followers of Allah.”

Well, Patty DuCake heard Happy Hour calling her and decided to wrap things up. 

“Do you think every Muslim hopes to live in a theocracy? Who will drive the kids to soccer practice if women are forbidden to drive in the U.S.?”

“God does not approve of such foolish games.  His vengeance will come upon those who do not follow his word.”

“Verbatim?”

“Off with you, whore of Babylon.”

“What does that mean, exactly?”

Patty DuCake saw Sister Lizbeth with a mean glint in her eye and decided to skedaddle.  Let the reader decide.

Can ChronicJimmy make a mean martini? Tragically, no. Has ChronicJimmy ever supported the Contras or the Citizens for Community Values?  No. Has he been shamed by a lack of cultural knowledge by a young bartender known to give away lots of free drinks to loose females? Yes.

In fact, though his own husband is a direct descendent of Ru Paul, he is fascinated by the fact that his bartender is a direct descendent of Osama Bin Laden’s third great Uncle, Osama Shut-that-Bitch-Up. As a culturally sensitive human being, he respects the fact that individuals from Muslim countries may choose to be conservative in their views, even though as an American he despises Americans who are conservative in their views. Ain’t that a kicker?

Didya ever here the one about Bill Maher saying that he doesn’t understand why the world would be up in arms about enslavement based upon race, while being soooo understanding about enslavement based on gender? OMG, like that really applies to me??? I’m gay, for God’s sake, but I ain’t a woman!!!

Anyway, we all know that only women can be whores or sluts. Occasionally a man is stoned in Islamic countries, but only in conjuction with the stoning of a whore. There’s always some bitch involved. Nice women accept the proper behavioral norms and don’t question anything. Westerners who don’t admire this conformity are racist and insensitive and probably don’t get off on smacking their wives around. Shameful.

Surely ChronicJimmy is upset about the whole California uproar over gay marriage, which he happens to approve of. Fortunately, he has no need to contemplate the state of gays and unliberated females in Islamic countries, because he spends all his time studying the oppression of non-Christians by Christians in the past centuries.

Why care about what is going on now, when you can get your panties tied in a knot over the past, which no one has any control over? Celebrate Islamic control over entire societies because you only believe in freedom for homosexuals and females when it is culturally acceptable to do so! Goodness, what right do you have to stop people in glass houses from throwing stones? Why be so difficult when you could just approve of “cultural diversity”?

Dumb ass!

PS – why does the Catholic church ignore the plight of young men abused by priests? If you even consider that question, you must be an insufferable bigot.

The training was tiresome and “by the book.” Unfortunately, the “book” was thrown out by the jackasses in the office and nothing made any sense at all once he was actually out in the field.

It turned out that an abandoned building infested with rats, with smashed out windows and a padlocked front door could not be labeled “uninhabitable” by one as ignorant as himself. Seeing it with your own eyes ain’t the same as seeing it through the paper-pushers’ eyes, and those are the eyes that count.

So instead of working in the field and completing two forms per hour, he had to spend half of his time at home on his computer tracking down absentee landlords and homeowners whose phone numbers were not listed. What to do at that point???  He got screamed at if he asked. Perhaps Stalin was running the Senses Bureau.

He was now down to completing one form every two hours. Nothing in training had prepared him for the new rules that would evolve on a daily basis, sending one form after another back to him again. Only 3 personal visits allowed; yet with no phone number what else could be done?  If you have to ask you have no respect for the rule of law! Conspiracy theorist! Wack job! It is every citizen’s duty to complete the Senses Form! Knock on every door and call every adjacent neighbor and demand information! Stop at nothing less! Schnell!

Ah, they say the French love their bureaucrats, who sit smugly at their desks, answering to no one.  But at least the French get to enjoy great food and wonderful coffee.  Can an American adapt to such a Kafkaesque world?

Thankfully it happens only once a decade. And then the wheel has to be invented again, because the guys at the Front Office can’t seem to find the memo about what they learned last time out.

Subway makes mediocre footlongs. Maybe if they invested more in studying The Art of the Sandwich and let a few of their marketeers go, they would have some food that was less bland and a marketing strategy that was a bit less Maoist.

12″ sandwiches have been called footlongs for a lot longer than Subway has been around. Good God, reminds me of when THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY sued Ohio University for sole rights to the word Ohio.

Jackasses. Take a course in ethics and get over yourselves. Really.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/12/subway-trying-to-trademar_n_574130.html

There’s no one who enjoys sushi as much as ChronicJimmy. Rice, seaweed, raw sewage – who could ask for more?

Back in the day, there were restaurants east of I-75 that weren’t required to serve sushi.

What? Surely you jest!

At one time, on the corner of Madison and Woodburn, there was a place called Simones.

They didn’t serve sushi.  (GASP!)

They played JAZZ. That’s right! Saxophones! Clarinets! String Bass!

Tragically, not Indian. Not Asian. Not cool.

Diversity. What a word.The diversity of Asian restaurants, particularly “Thai” restaurants, serving sushi, is quite homogenous at this time.

Is sushi a Thai food?

Whatever happened to tiny ol’ tapas? Did it just shrinky dink and disappear?

PSSSSST – word on the street is that there is a place called Pera in Mt. Lookout. It might not be Asian.  Does City Council know about this?

Please don’t ever confuse a self-described liberal with an actual eccentric. As opposed to the dulltown of Columbus, where the liberals all have degrees from Ohio State, listen to the same music, ride the same bicycles, and wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to stray from suburban  and urban norms, Cincinnati is loaded with people who are just plain strange.

Naturally, one would not go to MLT’s in Mt. Lookout, for example, in search of genuinely original behavior.

Head to the Subway, just around the corner from the Contemporary Arts Center. Elderly drag queens with locks of silver! That’s growing old with class.

Check out Longworth Hall on gameday. Smell the pot, baby, and watch the Steelers burn! (in effigy, of course)

And then there are the Icons of Clifton, busy talking to themselves as they wander, dazed, down the streets of the Gaslight District.

And Westsiders? They’re the truly crazed folks! We’re talking New Age Republicans. WTF???? And, of course, more of those potheads then one could possibly count on all of one’s extremities. Go to the Cheviot Harvest Home parade. Don’t waste your time watching the floats or the bands. The audience would keep any psychiatrist enthralled!

ChronicJimmy is thrilled that the Queen City is finally getting the recognition it deserves. How many infamous characters have called this place home? Think about it – Marge Schott, Jerry Springer, Charles Manson, Larry Flynt.

Face it, babies, if you subsist on a diet of goetta, bratt, and runny chili spaghetti, strange dreams just may become reality.

Peace Out.

How very clever of you!

Will Tide bring back all the whiteness for which Vanity Fair is justly famous?  FABULOUS!

Sigh.  When will the smart set break free of their chains and cast the poor, so often ignorant and obese, into the abyss?

Why must one suffer so much abuse when one is so obviously righteous in one’s observations?  Margaret Thatcher, though I may look and speak like a Tory, I am most certainly not a Tory!

Apparently the east side has passed an ordinance banning any restaurant start-ups that do not serve sushi.  Not only have all the Thai restaurants started serving sushi, but several Mexican restaurants including the Chipotle on Wasson Road have included raw tilapia rapped in Spanish rice as an appetizer.  McDonald’s new “McSushi” is off to a slow start, but considering the popularity of Mickey D’s fries, consumers will soon develop a taste for fries rolled in raw hamburger rolled in deep-fried rice and covered with a ketchup-based soy sauce.  Lovin’ it!

Fortunately for the imbibers at R.P. McMurphy’s pub, buzz-hunger will now be satisfied by two stumbles to the Blue Elephant Thai restaurant, saving drinkers the .15 mile walk to the Green Papaya Thai restaurant. 

The Starbucks over-saturation marketing strategy has nothing on the current plethora of Thai within a two-mile radius of Hyde Park square.  Haps Irish Pub, like it’s cousin McMurphy, is surrounded on both sides by Thai.  A Thaight spot, perhaps?  Or a nice place to Thai one on?  The lack of diversity in local dining leaves many wishing for an old-fashioned burger, not topped in peanut sauce.  Come to think of it, that sounds pretty good!