Editor’s Note: We’re not sure what these two guys were smoking when they decided to enter the same conference room in the Holiday Inn in Caracas together, but we’re afraid the space-time continuum will never be the same.
CC: My countrymen welcome you, Mr. Beck. Please, enjoy a cup of our fine Venezuelan coffee. It kicks Columbian ass! (Mugs for the camera.)
GB: I love America! (Starts to cry.)
CC: America? America is not just your imperialist bastion of capitalist absurdity, Mr. Beck. Geographically, America embraces many oppressed nations throughout the Western hemisphere. Have you ever troubled yourself to look at a map?
GB: My children, my family have been threatened by leftists. (Starts to cry.) My wife cannot even go to Target without looking behind her back!
CC: Leftists? Like this Obama character? Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!
GB: You have led your country into ruin, Mr. Chavez! Brave United Statesians will not allow you to have your way with the Hollywood elite. Patriots have spoken!
CC: The people have spoken! (Slams his fist on the table.)
GB: (Starts to cry) You have spilled my coffee, you two-bit commie Castro-wannabe! God will not forgive you!
CC: I play baseball better than Fidel ever did!
GB: Baseball is America’s past-time. The only America that counts! The one with patriots and tea parties and Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton!
CC: Those women are vapid capitalist sluts! But somewhat hot, in a blonde imperialist sort of way! (He looks lewdly at the camera.)
GB: I have sacrificed everything for the country that I love. And they are ruining it! I can’t believe I gave up cocaine and now I only have God by my side as the liberal left takes away all of my rights and deprives America of all that has made her great. (He starts bawling, and then pulls out a never ending, multi-colored handkerchief.)
CC: Ha ha! Bozo! Ho ho!
GB: Shut up! Sarah, where are you? The dictator is picking on me!
CC: Sarah? You are friends with the soccer mom who carries big gun into the forest? (Despite himself, Chavez is getting a hard on.)
GB: You bet I am! And she can kick your big fat stupid South American ass!
CC: Yes, she can, anytime she want to! I’ll teach her a lesson in oppression and liberation that she’ll never forget! (Chavez makes a goofy face at the camera.)
Editor’s note : this goes on for three days, with breaks for whole suckling pig and apple pie.
