In a move that has outraged kindergarten teachers worldwide, a Price Hill Pentacostalist church plans to burn the beloved Dr. Seuss book “Cat In the Hat” on September 11, nine years after the devastating terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center.
“It’s time followers of Christ take back this country. Burning non-Christian literature, CD’s, DVD’s, and video games is a good first step. Why should Islam have all the fun?” Pastor Larry Buford Snotweister, just back from a fact-finding tour of Iran, explained his church’s motives to Patty DuCake while stocking up on thrift-store copies of the targeted book.
“We’re not made of money. It took me a while, but I found 36 copies of that so-called ‘classic’ and didn’t spend more than 50 cents on any one of them.”
Several ladies were gathering kindling on the edges of the non-descript sanctuary’s parking lot, careful not to put too much poison ivy vine into the pile.
“We believe in the word of our Lord, and in the wisdom of Brother Snotweister,” declared Sister Lizbeth, wearing a calico skirt and a long braid. “Some day the Godly will reign again in this nation.”
“Hallelujiah!” exlaimed Pastor Snotwiester. “I’ve seen the power of faith in places such as Iran, where adulterers are smited with stones, and in Saudi Arabia, where no God-fearing man ever need worry about crazy women drivers.”
“Do you think Christianity can ever command such hegemony over a western nation again?”
“Viper! Now I understand way those Talibaners and Al-Shababers and Madrassers spend so much time keepin’ you uppity females down. Your lips should be praising the Lord or kissing your husband’s ass, and in this way you will keep our community blameless in the eyes of God.”
Luckily Patty DuCake has a thick skin, and is too self-absorbed to listen to a fundamentalist blowhard very carefully.
“But what will burning Dr. Seuss’ ouevre accomplish?”
“Mr. Seuss is a product of 1960′s promiscuity. In this book the children are not taught to obey their parents, but instead are encouraged to wreak havoc on the sanctity of their home.”
“Are you afraid of the backlash from the kindergarten teachers, who have already issued a memo against you and your congregation?”
“The righteous must fear not the wrath of the unrighteous. Methodists read Dr. Seuss. Pentacostalists have little to fear from these middle-class anti-christs, trying to right the wrongs done against their homosexual children and appointing females to lead their pansied flock. You do not see such blasphemy occuring among the followers of Allah.”
Well, Patty DuCake heard Happy Hour calling her and decided to wrap things up.
“Do you think every Muslim hopes to live in a theocracy? Who will drive the kids to soccer practice if women are forbidden to drive in the U.S.?”
“God does not approve of such foolish games. His vengeance will come upon those who do not follow his word.”
“Verbatim?”
“Off with you, whore of Babylon.”
“What does that mean, exactly?”
Patty DuCake saw Sister Lizbeth with a mean glint in her eye and decided to skedaddle. Let the reader decide.
