A Letter from Walter Cronkite, Esteemed Journalist:
My Fellow Americans,
It is with a heavy heart that I bring to you the troubling news of the incarceration of a fine journalist and heavy drinker, Patty DuCake. I’ve worked with Patty under a variety of circumstances and have always admired her pluck and willingness to put both her dignity and her gynecological health on the line in order to get the story.
You see, for Patty, it’s not a matter of reporting a story, but rather, of living it.
And so, when asked by LMNOP Ragazine to get to the heart of the story in the heart of the Ohio heartland, Patty chose not to stay in comfort at the local Motel 6, but rather to live on the streets of the north Ohio town of Shelby, with only a few dollars in her pocket, ready to live the life of the greasy heroin-hunter, desperate to make her next score.
And where is this intrepid reporter today? Well, no one is quite sure. She hasn’t been heard of for quite some time; in fact she was last sighted playing pool in the town of Mansfield, in a biker bar along State Route 42, wearing a pink tube top and rubbing up against a big guy called “Cletis” by his friends.
Perhaps you are asking yourself why you should care. About Shelby. About stoned rednecks. About journalism, and its never-ending quest for truth.
Maybe you just want to get back to your ipod, or that f***ing facebook application. Maybe you are just another dipshit blogger, who knows nothing of history and never rubs elbows with anyone outside your wimpy, self-absorbed, genuinely boring and unenlightened circle of friends. You’ve probably never read a newspaper or watched a real newscast and have no idea what it would be like to get to a living, breathing, source of a story, rather than just surfing the web and using other people’s ideas as your own. Plus you think you are funny and you are not.
Anyway, if you truly believe PBR is cool, then you must help Patty DuCake. Stand up, stop looking at yourself on YouTube, and get involved with your country before it is too late. (Hell, one Viet Cong could easily wipe out a whole batallion of you lazy-ass shits. A diet of rice and commie propaganda would probably do you brats some good.)
Two major organizations have quite a bit of pull in the Shelby area and might respond to a public outcry over the disappearance of Ms. Patty DuCake: The Klu Klux Clan and the Girl Scouts of America. Please make your voice heard and keep the pressure on these two groups. Patty’s life might depend on you.
And that’s the way it is.
Editors Note: Check out http://www.condron.us to see a blog about blogs, perhaps the mother of all blogs.
