Kirstie Alley Gnaws Off Own Arm in Attempt to Escape Oprah’s Trap

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So, ChronicJ is a big Oprah fan.  Two thumbs up, Gurlllll!

And did you see the recent episode featuring dieters who had all gained their weight back?  Talk about dramatic television!  That’s a lot of tacos going down the gullet!  Goodness!

Now that the lovably goofy Ms. Alley has gained back all the weight she dropped while the spokesperson for Jenny Craig, she has decided to take on a new job pimping chicken for KFC. 

“I’m the Colonel’s bitch now!” cried Kirstie gleefully when asked by Ms. Winfrey what she intended to do next.

Oprah lifted her eyebrows and intimated that she knew more.  “Lisa Ling saw you hanging out with the homies in the middle of a cornfield in the Fun Center of Ohio a few weeks ago.  Tell us what you were doing there.”

Kirstie is never at a loss for words!  “My Grandpappy lives out that way.  He’s been smoking weed with Lisa. ”  Lifting up her her arms and waving the audience in towards her heaving bosoms, she added “And that skinny-minny gets the munchies when she gets high!”

“Now Kirstie, when we come back from commercial break you’re going to tell us all about that new diet system you’ve been working on.”  Oprah had the look.  The one that means “this black woman is on to you, so you might as well fess up!”

Anyway, after the ads for paisley surgical masks and the current drug-of-the-week, the camera zoomed in on a rather distraught fat actress.  “But I didn’t want everyone to know how I managed to lose 20 lbs in one month!” 

“It’s o.k., Kirstie.  You can tell us.  It’s heroin, isn’t it?”

“No.  The Shelby Heroin Weight-Loss Plan has already been copyrighted by someone else.”

Oprah’s eyes grew as big as cd’s.  Looking aside at the audience, she mumbled “someone owes Harpo some royalties!  We were the first to discover heroin in Ohio!  Lordy!  And what in the tarnation are you doing, Kirstie!”

Believe it or not, the lady had put salt on her arm and had started chewing.

“I don’t taste like chicken!” she announced breezily.

The Oprah Winfrey Show cut to commercial.  ChronicJimmy didn’t get to see the rest.  His tequila bottle started talking in a high-pitched voice, ordering him to switch over to QVC, which was featuring a delightful selection of shot glasses designed by Vera Bradley.

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