To: All Department Managers
From: Your Fearful Leader
Re: Rumors of Impending Layoffs
It has come to my attention that a certain individual in the maintenance department has been stating that layoffs are imminent. As department heads I expect you to control every word that comes out of your employees mouths. If such control eludes you there will be consequences.
Let me remind all of you that information regarding plant staffing is my domain and my domain alone. Should you hear gossip being spread about the recent visit of Divisional Manager O’Malley and Minion Marstall please keep in mind that these two individuals met with me and me alone, and thus only I have the authority to authorize any talk on said subject. Knowledge of layoffs in Texas and Dubuque has been cordoned off and none of our underlings should be aware of these happenings. Thus the meeting planned for Monday must not have any relation to these unknown actions as far as you or anyone else who works for you would know.
It is troubling to hear how quickly rumors spread and how rank-and-file employees sometimes take it upon themselves to draw conclusions from activities that they have been made to understand very little of. For example, the cancellation of last year’s Christmas party invoked a spate of worried gossip that business was bad. This was not the reason said party was cancelled, current sales stats notwithstanding. As the head of this facility it falls upon my shoulders to do all the thinking and I would thank you to remind your staff that all information and knowledge stems from this office and this office only. Didn’t I see to it that bonuses were distributed in lieu of the usual drunken holiday celebration? Unquestioning loyalty and trust is what is expected from every last one of our employees. Anyone needing explanations for my actions is disloyal and should be watched closely.
Indeed when the CFO resigned last year and told her immediate staff before I had the chance to call a meeting and do it myself, OFFICIALLY, I realized that management needed to be reminded of their place in the food chain. I am the King of the Jungle. As a department head, you are a hyena directly reporting to me. All others are smaller ungulates, such as dik-diks, and as members of a herd should refrain to rely upon their own powers of reason and wait patiently for my analysis before acting or speaking of anything other than fantasy football or the weather.
Though this should have been perfectly clear from the beginning, if you still are uncertain about this issue please come and see me in my office, as my door is always open except when I am on a conference call or conferring with Ms. Puddingout on an important matter of plant safety.
Sincerely,
Bent Wood
Plant Unified Director
Mable’s Marshmallow Manufacturing, Inc.
