Delhi, Cincinnati – The man selected to be Obama’s Minister of Vice has been found dead in his Cincinnati home. According to police reports, Geoff Wyass was discovered by his maid early this morning. This was confirmed by his masseuse and seconded by his ex-wife.
President-elect Obama, denying reports that he had second thoughts about inviting Mr. Wyass to join his administration, has promised to “bring my close friend’s killer home for a drink. I mean bring my friend’s killer to justice.” Mrs. Obama’s only comment before being shushed by the Secret Service was that she “never did like the thought of allowing that jackass into my house.”
The following is a list of possible suspects. Cincinnati police and the FBI are asking for your help in solving this case.
|
Suspect |
Motive |
Alibi |
|
Luxuria, Vladimir – Italian, communist, transvestite, star of recent reality tv show ‘L’Isola Dei Famosi.’ |
Afraid burkha-mania will sweep Western world and he will have to give up designer clothing for a shapeless black curtain. |
Recovering from recent reality tv show stint. Impossible to whack someone when you are spending a week on the Isle of Capri drinking Campari. |
|
Chavez, Hugo – President of Venezuela and television personality. |
Needs something dramatic to boost ratings of his weekly television program. |
Left his friend Fidel a message, asking for his help in eliminating the Yankee pig. Fidel did not return his call. |
|
Putin, Vladimir – Russian Prime Minister. |
Worried that adoption of a pseudo-Islamic form of social control in the U.S. will cause Muslim minorities in Russia to become pro-Western. |
All out of radioactive powder until sometime early next year. |
|
Medvedev, Dmitry – Russian President. |
What he said. |
Ditto. |
|
Castro, Fidel – Cuban dictator, baseball fan, cigar smoker. |
Wants to help out his friend Hugo. Has been sleeping through ‘Alo Presidente’ for at least a year now. |
Had a bad reaction to a cigar and was confined to bed during the time the crime was committed. |
|
Spears, Brittany – duh. |
Was told by Jessica Simpson that the MOV would censor her new songs and quash any hope of a comeback. |
Has Jessica Simpson as co-conspirator. |
|
Rice, Condoleezza – Secretary of State until January 20, 2009. |
Spurned lover. |
She really is a lesbian. Plus, she was in Pakistan nagging the PM to clean up his room and put away his toys. |
|
Steinem, Gloria – women’s lib activist. |
Incensed by sexist aura of new MOV and the signal having such a cabinet position in a democracy sends to little girls and boys. |
At pet shop during time murder was committed, having her goldfish fitted with a tiny bicycle. |
|
Hefner, Hugh – Playboy. |
Passionate about his First Amendment right to make money off of hot, naked women, he is concerned about MOV regulating the skin mag trade and keeping all the good ones for himself. |
Overdosed on Viagara and unable to fit into his pants. |
|
Bin Laden, Osama – Radical Islamic Fascist chosen by Allah to Breed an Army of Messed Up Progeny. If this camel’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’! |
Needs to prove he isn’t dead by sending a few infidels to their graves. Wants to try his hand at political assassination this time vs. mass murder of office workers. |
Out buying new school clothes for his brood of 57 children (at least the male ones). Has time-stamped credit card receipt to prove it. |
|
Khomeini, Ayatollah – bearded dude who became revered leader of the state of Iran. Urged horny men to screw chickens. Hated by PETA. |
Doesn’t want the Great Satan to co-opt his idea of keeping women under wraps in order to maintain the bedrock values of an anachronistic society through fear, intimidation, and hypocrisy. |
Has been dead for twenty years. |
|
Brown, Mike – owner of the Cincinnati Bengals. Current record 1-10-1. |
Afraid having a former Bengal fan and avowed Mike Brown hater in a position of power will jeopardize his own status as primary revenue sucker-upper in Cincinnati. |
Too inept to pull off such a complicated play.
|
|
Chowder, Blaine – ventriloquist and journalist. |
Always looking for a good story. |
Hospitalized with severe throat infection. |
