Hello to all. Hope you stuffed yourself silly over the Holiday.
As Chronic Jimmy is a transvestite he often finds himself looking for a new pair of heels for special occasions. This past Black Friday he ventured, quite unprepared, into the local Wal-Mart and accidentally killed a family of midgets from the local trailer park. Long story. As this was clearly an unfortunate mishap and not done intentionally, he is not expected to be charged with murder. He has, however, been slapped with a fine from the fashion police for purchasing evening wear at a big box discount store. So Chronic J just wants to warn his readers to stop and think first before venturing out on Black Friday. The reputation you save among the fashionistas may be your own.
So what was this big event, you ask, and why weren’t you invited?
Well, it was a family affair! An aging cousin who had been living in sin with her beau for over a decade finally got bored enough to go ahead and throw herself a wedding. The seventeen-year-old flower girl was a decidedly post-modern touch. Apparently the wedding party had been selected when the two love birds first started dating. So the little girl went through puberty hoping against hope that her Aunt would finally tie the knot and let her walk down the aisle in front of her, gaily tossing rose petals here and there. The only way it could possibly have been funnier is if the child had been knocked up, a la Bristol Palin.
Can Chronic J insert a comment here about good manners? There is nothing he hates more than meeting a complete stranger who immediately asks him about his political affiliation. LIKE CHRONIC J GIVES A RAT’S ASS WHAT SOME RANDOM DIPSHIT’S POLITICAL LEANINGS MIGHT BE.
So, what, you are standing there drinking some merlot and stuffing bacon-wrapped scallops in your face, and some drunk broad who is pals with your cousin steps on your shoes:
“Pardon me, but I had to kill an entire family to get these $9 shoes. Get off me.”
Oh, I’m sorry. What a stunning outfit you have on. Are you related to the bride or groom?
“Bride.”
I can’t believe it. Everyone in her family is a Republican. You’re not a Republican, are you?
“I think you probably need to get laid. Maybe then you’d have something more interesting to talk about.”
Well. You are a fascist, aren’t you?
“Fashionista to you, cochonne. Now go away, you are boring me half to death. And my toe hurts. Damn these cheap shoes.”
Just another word about the shoes. They were quite cute, actually. And they weren’t made of leather, so no animal lost its life to provide Chronic J with a nice place to put his delightfully painted toes. Too bad about the midgets, though. They really should stay home when the big people are out and in a frenzy.
4 Comments
December 2, 2008 at 10:12 am
Well ChronicJ, kudos to you for venturing out on the blackest of shopping day to adorn your fresh pedicure with a new pair of shoes. Of course your shoes were vegan and all….but let’s hope some of your readers don’t go off on the “Made in China” thing where hundreds of 8 year olds slaved over the manufacture of your shoes for a bowl of not too tasty rice… We’ll hope that they focus on the fact that you are animal friendly. And, just between us…I often enjoy the compliments from so-called “fashionista’s” when I’m rocking a pair of denim jeans from Target (Tar-JAY). Most of the time my $24.99 jeans are mistaken for some $200.00 pricy designer brand…It’s really AAAALLLLL in the way you put it together ChronicJ! You just have to know how to wear it!
PS. I’d really love to see a post on what recipe’s you use for your holiday “left overs”….What DO you do with the turkey?
December 2, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I just found this – check it out:
http://evidentlyeverywhere.wordpress.com/2008/11/25/yuans-in-yuans-out-3/
December 3, 2008 at 3:54 am
Ah, a question about cooking. Wonderful! I like to grind up the leftover turkey and sprinkle it on my Cheerios in the morning.
Another great way to use up the bird is to put it in the blender and mix it with yogurt and rum for a healthful beverage.
Please don’t tell me these recipes are “fowl!”
Anyone have the recipe for Lame Duck a la Pennsylvania Avenue?
December 5, 2008 at 3:25 am
Dear Chronic J….I wanted to tell you that I tried the turkey-yogurt-rum-blender smoothie a couple days ago. I’d like to boast about it’s weight loss effects as well. I haven’t had an appetite since drinking the concoction….and I’ve dropped 5 pounds! Believe me…one big gulp of this gem of a snack and your appetite won’t come back for a while!