“Porn Stars For Christ” Program Begins at Local School

Cincinnati, Patty Du Cake Reporting – An innovative vocational program for young men has recently been instituted at the Union Christian Post Graduate Academy in the Cincinnati suburbs.  

“This is an outreach program as well as a rigorous vocational course of study,” commented principal Long Dong Silver, “in an industry that has been underserved by the evangelical community.”

The school educates young men between the ages of 17 and 20 in a warm and welcoming Christian environment.  In addition to more traditional programs such as computer programming and wood shop, the school also offers a series of classes designed to help the student obtain a job in the booming field of adult movies.

“Conservative Christians used to fight the industry” conceded Mr. Silver.  “But we are offering a new approach which not only affirms the beauty and artistry of the sexual aspects of human nature, but also acknowledges Christ Jesus as our Lord and Savior.”

The recent hire of Mary Ems, who plead guilty to “unlawful sexual conduct with a minor” while a special-education teacher at Winton Woods High School adds a layer of depth the program would otherwise lack.

“We’re excited about Ms. Ems joining our faculty.  Her knowledge of the erotic needs of strong young men is titillating, to say the least.”  Mr. Silver noted that Ms. Ems resume includes several years working summers at the Hustler store downtown.  “She’ll have the technical knowledge needed to arouse her students to do their best.  Hopefully, Union Christian will become an orgasmic example of the power of faith that pushes the soul to run deeper, harder, and longer.”

Does My Big Head Make Me Look Fat?

chocolate lab

Hi Everyone -

If you see me on the west side of Cincinnati, please toss me a hotdog.  My owner’s boyfriend is a chef who doesn’t want me to be fed.  I think he might not like me.  But please take pity on me because I am a nice dog and deserve a good, loving home.  My owner used to be kind to me but now I have to sit and watch her eat while she tells everyone how fat I am.  I can’t survive on a tomato and a piece of bread.  Please help.

Sincerely,

The Friendly Dog Next Door

from the ASPCA:

Two Square Meals a Day
We recommend all dogs be fed twice daily. Simply divide the amount suggested on the label of your pet’s food into two meals, spaced eight to twelve hours apart. You may need to adjust portions as you learn your dog’s ideal daily “maintenance” amount.

1. Be aware. Without phone calls from the concerned citizens who report cruelty in their neighborhoods, we wouldn’t know about most instances of animal abuse. It all comes from the public, it all starts with YOU—that’s why it’s so important to keep your eyes and ears open. Get to know and look out for the animals in your neighborhood. By being aware, you’re more likely to notice, for example, that the dog next door who was once hefty has lost weight rapidly—a possible indicator of abuse.

“Who kicks a dog kicks his own soul towards hell”

Will Judy

“Until one has loved an animal
a part of one’s soul remains unawakened”

Anatole France

” He is your friend, your partner,
your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader. He will
be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of
such devotion.”

 

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B&B’s Frequently Run by W.A.C.K.O.s

A friend went to Maine and stayed in what was supposed to be a relaxing B&B.  So just how relaxing is staying in a place overrun by giant spiders, overlooking the local Wafflehouse?  Well, to each his own.  ChronicJimmy personally enjoys dining with spiders and hanging out with the local hoi polloi for a waffle and a gut-wrenching cup of joe particularly after a strenuous night of clubbing.  So what could one possibly have to complain about regarding such an establishment?

How about the threat of jacking up one’s credit card with false claims of vandalism?  That’s exactly what the Mainiac who runs the Atlantic Shark did to two middle-age Ohioans who somehow managed to stay in the wrong place at the wrong time.  A porcelain sink mysteriously ended up with a baseball-sized hole in it and the damage was attributed to the mild-mannered guests.  A pretty good scam if you ask ChronicJimmy.

Ah, but this reminds ChronicJ of a very short stay at the Sludge Water on Kelley’s Island.  Now here was a sophisticated inn-keeper who had sued just about anyone who ever did any work for her or looked at her funny.  And had fist-fights with her neighbors.  Made counterfeit ferry tickets and discount coupons to offer as a “package” to her guests.  And then blamed the young international hired help when finally brought to court.  (Speaking of packages, apparently neither of her sons or husband had one.)

So beware of the B&B, Baby.  Especially if you can’t be bothered to join the charming hosts and fascinating guests for breakfast during your relaxing vacation.  Sometimes it’s worth it just to save a few $$$ and stay at La Quinta.

Photography Inspired by Geographic Envy

ChronicJimmy has always felt saddened by the fact that he can never be as good as those folk privileged enough to have been born on the East Coast of Our Great Country (OGC).

Indeed, ChronicJ had a dear friend who attended that bastion of Appalachian-ness, Ohio University, back in the dear old 1980’s.  What a fun time that was!  Still, this friend had the nerve to get herself into law school at Boston University!  Goodness, how ballsy she was!

Anywho, said lady managed to outscore all of her geographically-superior classmates there in old Beantown.  In fact, they were so curious, envious, and childish that she decided to start TAPING HER TEST RESULTS TO THE BACK OF HER CHAIR so that they could see the highest score in the class without having to strain their necks.  Now wasn’t that kind of her to do?  Leave it to a Buckeye to be so thoughtful, and so snotty!  Props to you, Lisa!  LOVE IT!

Recently ChronicJ had dinner with an old acquaintance now living in Philadelphia, land of her birth.  Her cousin teaches at one of the many private colleges in Ohio, and this old aquaintance had stopped in to see her relative & had invited ChronicJ along, too.  Here’s a snippet of conversation:

Philadelphian:  “Oh, you must have been so relieved to have gotten out of Wisconsin when you did.  Not that Ohio could be much better…”

Cousin of Philadelphian:  “Believe me, Ohio is a step up.”

ChronicJimmy:  “I think Boston is delightful, myself.  Even if the people there aren’t nearly so smart as they imagine themselves to be.”

Philadelphian:  “Well, Boston can be a bit unfriendly.  But intellectually, Philadelphia has more to offer.”

Cousin of Philadelphian:  “Want to see me snort Bordeaux up my nose?”

ChronicJimmy:  “Gosh darn it, not everyone from the East is a Tiresome Bore.  Ain’t you just a knee-slapper!”

Please let ChronicJ know if you like the new blog header he has artfully created from some tiny spark of inspiration illuminating his puny Midwestern Mind.

ChronicJimmy: Old Enough to Remember When

1. Michael Jackson was fine, and black.
2. MTV played music videos, and all the kids at school knew it was oh-so-cool.
3. Video brutally killed the Radio Star.
4. Farrah Fawcett debuted on “Charlie’s Angels,” and heads everywhere magically sprouted feathers.
5. Big ol’ Vinyl shrank into shiny CD’s.
6. Harvest Gold and Avocado ruled the kitchen.
7. His transistor radio first trumpeted the glorious strains of “YMCA.”
8. To be master of Pong was to be master of the video gaming world.
9. Grandpa reminisced about the old days during dinner on Sunday evenings, and there were no blogs on which to record his precious ramblings.

Laura Ling and Euna Lee Sentenced to 12 Years Making Tube Tops for Walmart

Editor’s Note:  Patty DuCake has returned from North Central Ohio, with a few extra tattoos on her ass & track marks up & down her arm, but otherwise no worse for wear. 

As a reporter who has covered the slums of Newport, Kentucky and the biker bars of Mansfield, Ohio, I appreciate the dangers of investigative reporting. 

Both Laura Ling and Euna Lee are brave women, who were unfairly imprisoned while bringing to the American public the story of human trafficking along the North Korean/Chinese border. 

Charged and convicted with the crime of illegally entering North Korean territory, these two reporters have been sentenced to twelve years of hard labor!  As spoiled Americans, we might imagine “hard labor” to be washing dishes or making license plates.  Wrongo.  Think more along the lines of “chain gang.”  Or, more likely, “sweat shop.”  It’s how we get all of our low, low prices here in the States. 

Patty DuCake knows irony.  (It goes well with cynicism.)  Anyway, these two ladies bothered to care about the enslavement of women in a particular part of Asia.  And now they have been enslaved themselves.  Just saying.  Or, as my big fat billiards partner at Club 42 would put it, “Ain’t that a bitch, Sugar Tits?”

Fringe Energy Creates Vortex in Cincinnati

Don’t be frightened by the Fringe Festival, folks.  Come on Downtown and enjoy the energy.  Performers from all corners of the country trek to the Cincinnati area each year to strut their stuff, to put out something new and different for the public to enjoy.

ChronicJ was sad to see the Cavs lose last night, it was true.  But he was moved to tears watching “The Gayer Show, 66 Years of Faggotry.”  Seriously.  When Les told of his Dad finally speaking him after 14 years of silence, on a joyous Christmas day, ChronicaJ had a tear in his eye.

So please take a look at the various shows available for you to see.  There’s bound to be one that will entertain you, and make you think.

Plant Closing & It’s All Getting Better

Chronicjimmy’s dear Auntie called him this morning & asked him if he had seen the news.  He hadn’t.

“Your plant is closing.”

Oh.  The plant ChronicJ was forced to work at while building his career as a world-class blogger.  Seems like a distant memory…

“So I’m guess you still aren’t doing jackshit,” Auntie commented. 

That depends on your definintion of “jackshit.”  Does that include studying the racing form and playing the ponies?  What about Keno?  What about talking on the phone for hours on end?  And obsessing over fashion?

“So I guess all those morons in the office will join the ranks of losers such as yourself.”

Nicely put.  Even the Plant Manager will have to find a job.  And of course he strenuously denied anything of the sort would happen.  That was his job, to strenuously deny everything.

But the good news is that unemployment has been extended to the next millenium.  So there’s no need to worry about a supposed Obama conspiracy to kick-in-the-face any taxpayer daring to claw his or her way into the middle class.  Knock down the people earning $40,000.00 a year.  Keep them in their place, and they’ll always be Democrats, because Democrats care about the poor. 

Let all the lawyers make their money, as a protected class, since they are the pool of politicians.  And a deal has already been made with the bankers and financiers. 

Sleep soundly, Dear Ones.  Everything is under control.  Enjoy your safety net; the same one that will wrap around your neck and choke you if you dare wake up and try to run a business on your own.

Patty DuCake Imprisoned While Investigating the Heroin Trade in Shelby, Ohio

A Letter from Walter Cronkite, Esteemed Journalist:

My Fellow Americans,

It is with a heavy heart that I bring to you the troubling news of the incarceration of a fine journalist and heavy drinker, Patty DuCake.  I’ve worked with Patty under a variety of circumstances and have always admired her pluck and willingness to put both her dignity and her gynecological health on the line in order to get the story.

You see, for Patty, it’s not a matter of reporting a story, but rather, of living it.

And so, when asked by LMNOP Ragazine to get to the heart of the story in the heart of the Ohio heartland, Patty chose not to stay in comfort at the local Motel 6, but rather to live on the streets of the north Ohio town of Shelby, with only a few dollars in her pocket, ready to live the life of the greasy heroin-hunter, desperate to make her next score. 

And where is this intrepid reporter today?  Well, no one is quite sure.  She hasn’t been heard of for quite some time; in fact she was last sighted playing pool in the town of Mansfield, in a biker bar along State Route 42, wearing a pink tube top and rubbing up against a big guy called “Cletis” by his friends.

Perhaps you are asking yourself why you should care.  About Shelby.  About stoned rednecks.  About journalism, and its never-ending quest for truth.

Maybe you just want to get back to your ipod, or that f***ing facebook application.  Maybe you are just another dipshit blogger, who knows nothing of history and never rubs elbows with anyone outside your wimpy, self-absorbed, genuinely boring and unenlightened circle of friends.  You’ve probably never read a newspaper or watched a real newscast and have no idea what it would be like to get to a living, breathing, source of a story, rather than just surfing the web and using other people’s ideas as your own.  Plus you think you are funny and you are not.

Anyway, if you truly believe PBR is cool, then you must help Patty DuCake.  Stand up, stop looking at yourself on YouTube, and get involved with your country before it is too late.  (Hell, one Viet Cong could easily wipe out a whole batallion of you lazy-ass shits.  A diet of rice and commie propaganda would probably do you brats some good.)

Two major organizations have quite a bit of pull in the Shelby area and might respond to a public outcry over the disappearance of Ms. Patty DuCake:  The Klu Klux Clan and the Girl Scouts of America.  Please make your voice heard and keep the pressure on these two groups.  Patty’s life might depend on you.

And that’s the way it is.

Editors Note:  Check out http://www.condron.us to see a blog about blogs, perhaps the mother of all blogs.

Kirstie Alley Gnaws Off Own Arm in Attempt to Escape Oprah’s Trap

So, ChronicJ is a big Oprah fan.  Two thumbs up, Gurlllll!

And did you see the recent episode featuring dieters who had all gained their weight back?  Talk about dramatic television!  That’s a lot of tacos going down the gullet!  Goodness!

Now that the lovably goofy Ms. Alley has gained back all the weight she dropped while the spokesperson for Jenny Craig, she has decided to take on a new job pimping chicken for KFC. 

“I’m the Colonel’s bitch now!” cried Kirstie gleefully when asked by Ms. Winfrey what she intended to do next.

Oprah lifted her eyebrows and intimated that she knew more.  “Lisa Ling saw you hanging out with the homies in the middle of a cornfield in the Fun Center of Ohio a few weeks ago.  Tell us what you were doing there.”

Kirstie is never at a loss for words!  “My Grandpappy lives out that way.  He’s been smoking weed with Lisa. ”  Lifting up her her arms and waving the audience in towards her heaving bosoms, she added “And that skinny-minny gets the munchies when she gets high!”

“Now Kirstie, when we come back from commercial break you’re going to tell us all about that new diet system you’ve been working on.”  Oprah had the look.  The one that means “this black woman is on to you, so you might as well fess up!”

Anyway, after the ads for paisley surgical masks and the current drug-of-the-week, the camera zoomed in on a rather distraught fat actress.  “But I didn’t want everyone to know how I managed to lose 20 lbs in one month!” 

“It’s o.k., Kirstie.  You can tell us.  It’s heroin, isn’t it?”

“No.  The Shelby Heroin Weight-Loss Plan has already been copyrighted by someone else.”

Oprah’s eyes grew as big as cd’s.  Looking aside at the audience, she mumbled “someone owes Harpo some royalties!  We were the first to discover heroin in Ohio!  Lordy!  And what in the tarnation are you doing, Kirstie!”

Believe it or not, the lady had put salt on her arm and had started chewing.

“I don’t taste like chicken!” she announced breezily.

The Oprah Winfrey Show cut to commercial.  ChronicJimmy didn’t get to see the rest.  His tequila bottle started talking in a high-pitched voice, ordering him to switch over to QVC, which was featuring a delightful selection of shot glasses designed by Vera Bradley.